I’m happy to say that I’ve been accepted into the 34th annual Seattle International Comedy Competition.
As Thanksgiving comes to a close, it seems especially important to take the time to reflect upon what it is that matters most to me, as well as the special people and moments that, while often taken for granted, have always had the greatest effect on my life, for which I shall always be eternally grateful.
- 1.) Sushi Happy Hour
- 2.) When someone riding a skateboard falls down, and then looks around to see if anyone saw him fall down, and then he sees you and you nod all like, “Yeah, I saw you fall down, and it made me very happy because fuck you and fuck your cargo shorts and fuck that skull cap you keep on your head but only in that dangling way that let’s people know that you’re hip but aren’t actually using it for warmth.”
- 3.) Roberta Flack
- 4.) Whenever anyone says something sad about his father and then laughs as everyone else feels uncomfortable.
- 5.) The annual tradition of everyone who went to a liberal arts college posting the same trite something about colonialism to prove that they’re all socially conscious in addition to all having the same haircut.
- 6.) Death
- 7.) Skin Diamond
- 8.) Jokes that involve the word, “cuckold.”
- 9.) When you look at a girl and she sees you looking at her and you give her a look like, “sorry for objectifying you” and then she gives you a look like, “that’s okay, I look really good today,” and then you give her a look like, “thanks for understanding, but I’ll try to be more respectful in the future,” and then you both do a mid-air high five for a productive use of eye contact amidst the blazing sphere of patriarchy that surrounds us.
- 9.) Jokes that involve the word, “cuckold” again.
- 10.) When you’re listening to “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child on the bus and you take off your headphones real quick to make sure the intimidating man next to you can’t hear what you’re listening to. And then you realize you’re totally in the clear just in time for “Unpretty” by TLC to come on and you dance a little in your head.
- 10.5) When conditioner is on sale.
- 11.) When your mom makes your dad be nice to you and/or sends you a birthday card she signed in his name.
- 12.) When you inadvertently change your Facebook profile picture on the same day a pretty girl changes her profile picture and you don’t get as many likes because not as many people want to reassure you that they would totally bone you if it was an option, but you still get enough likes to be like, “awe shucks, thanks guys.”
- 13.) When, for reasons that are unknown to me but probably biological in origin, you masterbate and have a really solid orgasm for no reason in particular and you feel really proud of yourself instead of guilty and alone inside.
- 14.) Death again.
- 14.5) That one episode of “Rugrats” where they parody the fantastic four.
- 15.) Family, Friends, bla bla bla, etc. etc.
What do you do when you realize you're just as much a part of the patriarchy as the people you've been fighting for a long time?
I take a deep breath and remember that one day we’re finally gonna die, and all the petty consequences of our basis humanity will be washed away by the seas of time as we are forgotten on this mortal plane - abandoned to the faint memories of the universe as the world spins free from our toilsome endeavors of maddening bigotry and ceaseless hate.
Then I masterbate to the cisgendered, masculine power of my male-ness.
Then I download a lot of rap songs that bleep out the word, “bitch.” ‘Cause I’m all about that marginal change, yo.
Lou Markgraf, Sam Szabo, Max Mueller, and myself spent a few hours yesterday being hungover in a sushi joint when, somehow, we started talking about the PBS show, Wishbone. Then we started talking about books it would be funny to see Wishbone do. Then that conversation got mixed in with our general mania. Then this happened:
- Wishbone is dead and only his ghost knows who killed him in THE LOVELY WISHBONES.
- Wishbone discusses manifestos and feminism in Virginia Woof’s A ROOM OF ONE’S BONE.
- Wishbone helps a submissive woman discover her sexuality via Mom Dom in 50 SHADES OF WISHBONE.
- A small, yappy type dog does a shit ton of blow in FEAR AND WISHBONE IN LAS VEGAS.
- Wishbone doesn’t pay taxes ‘cause he hates racism n’ stuff in ESSAY ON KIBBLE DISOBEDIENCE.
- Virgil gives Wishbone a puppy tour of hell’s eternal misery and damnation in WISHBONE’S INFERNO.
- Wishbone finds an obnoxiously long winded way to say “rich people suck” in THE GREAT GATSBONE.
- Wishbone becomes crazy anti-Semitic and spends a lot of time hating Jews. And then a wedding happens in THE MERCHANT OF WISHBONE.
- Something about Wishbone on a plantation in THE HOUND AND THE FURRY.
- Wishbone may or may not have sex with a hooker and then has a shit ton of angst in THE FETCHER AND THE RYE.
- Wishbone is on a boat and talks about baseball and then sharks eat his fish in THE OLD DOG AND THE SEA.
- Wishbone spends a lot of time in an attic in WISHBONE: DIARY OF A YOUNG GIRL.
- Wishbone hides his bones in a hollowed part of a tree but some girl who’s dad is a lawyer keeps stealing them in TO KILL MOCKINGWISHBONE.
- A really long book that philosophy majors and stoners say is good but is way too long in Wishbone’s INFINITE FETCH.
- Wishbone discusses the burdens of socially perpetuated bigotry in LETTER FROM THE BIRMINGHAM POUND.
- Wishbone shows you how to make a bomb in THE ANARCHIST’S WOOF BOOK.
- Wishbone learns to praise the almighty dollar in ATLAS PUGS.
- Wishbone sees the greatest minds of his generation destroyed in HOWL.
- Wishbone writes a bunch of bullshit stories, then a beautiful piece about rape, and then more bullshit in THE HOUSE ON MANGO WISHBONE.
- A killer clown attacks Wishbone in Stephen King’s SIT.
- Wishbone dances with some Jewish mensches in FIDDLER ON THE RUFF.
- We take The Koran, and we replace all the characters with Wishbone. It’s still called The Koran, though.
- Wishbone can’t make ends meat & then kills himself despite his family & then you have to read it in high school in DEATH OF A TAILSMAN.
- Some sexy, saucy shit happens between a working class dog and an upper class female in LADY CHATTERLY’S ROVER.
- Wishbone must battle evil pigs from bringing communist fascism to the farm in ANIMAL FARM BUT WITH DOGS.
- Wishbone brings colonialist notions to Africa w/ Eurocentric notions in HEART OF BARKNESS, which later inspired the film APOCALYPSE BOW-WOW.
- Wishbone tries to fight Big Brother but ends up crying ‘cause rats keep tryna eat his face in 1984 x 7.
- Does Wishbone have to treat androids with humanity or not?!?!? In DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRONIC DOG COLLARS.
- Wishbone chases things in John Pupdike’s RABID, RUN.
- Wishbone talks about stuff in his backpack as he trudges through Vietnam in Tim O’Brien’s THE THINGS THEY BURIED.
- Having failed as an artist and been sent to the pound, Wishbone talks about how kitty-cats are ruining Germany in WHINE KAMPF.
- Wishbone is a POW in Nazi Europe during the end of World War II in SCHNAUZERHOUSE FIVE.