This is my face.
As Thanksgiving comes to a close, it seems especially important to take the time to reflect upon what it is that matters most to me, as well as the special people and moments that, while often taken for granted, have always had the greatest effect on my life, for which I shall always be eternally grateful.
- 1.) Sushi Happy Hour
- 2.) When someone riding a skateboard falls down, and then looks around to see if anyone saw him fall down, and then he sees you and you nod all like, “Yeah, I saw you fall down, and it made me very happy because fuck you and fuck your cargo shorts and fuck that skull cap you keep on your head but only in that dangling way that let’s people know that you’re hip but aren’t actually using it for warmth.”
- 3.) Roberta Flack
- 4.) Whenever anyone says something sad about his father and then laughs as everyone else feels uncomfortable.
- 5.) The annual tradition of everyone who went to a liberal arts college posting the same trite something about colonialism to prove that they’re all socially conscious in addition to all having the same haircut.
- 6.) Death
- 7.) Skin Diamond
- 8.) Jokes that involve the word, “cuckold.”
- 9.) When you look at a girl and she sees you looking at her and you give her a look like, “sorry for objectifying you” and then she gives you a look like, “that’s okay, I look really good today,” and then you give her a look like, “thanks for understanding, but I’ll try to be more respectful in the future,” and then you both do a mid-air high five for a productive use of eye contact amidst the blazing sphere of patriarchy that surrounds us.
- 9.) Jokes that involve the word, “cuckold” again.
- 10.) When you’re listening to “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child on the bus and you take off your headphones real quick to make sure the intimidating man next to you can’t hear what you’re listening to. And then you realize you’re totally in the clear just in time for “Unpretty” by TLC to come on and you dance a little in your head.
- 10.5) When conditioner is on sale.
- 11.) When your mom makes your dad be nice to you and/or sends you a birthday card she signed in his name.
- 12.) When you inadvertently change your Facebook profile picture on the same day a pretty girl changes her profile picture and you don’t get as many likes because not as many people want to reassure you that they would totally bone you if it was an option, but you still get enough likes to be like, “awe shucks, thanks guys.”
- 13.) When, for reasons that are unknown to me but probably biological in origin, you masterbate and have a really solid orgasm for no reason in particular and you feel really proud of yourself instead of guilty and alone inside.
- 14.) Death again.
- 14.5) That one episode of “Rugrats” where they parody the fantastic four.
- 15.) Family, Friends, bla bla bla, etc. etc.